Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
