Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
