you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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