Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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