Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
