Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
