I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
