This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
