Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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