The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
