Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
