I'm so fucking centered right now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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