She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
