wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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