i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
