I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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