my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
