it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
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