Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
