I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
