Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
