Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
