Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
