How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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