I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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