he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
