I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
