y did u give ur computer a hand job?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
