If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
