i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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