I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
