my being single is dangerous.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
