Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
