not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
