Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
