you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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