o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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