if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
