Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
