great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
