she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
