We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
These tits shall not be calmed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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