I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
