I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
