My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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