Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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