I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
