I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
