I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
