He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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