apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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