You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And then he peed in my hair
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