you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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