I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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