I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
